It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish."

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?

I left my record label, Polydor, by mutual agreement, but I'm going to carry on with my singing career.

Anything that happens on any show is a plot contrivance because that's just storytelling.

Style means no shield at all. Style means no front at all. Style means ultimate naturalness. Style means one man alone with billions of men about.

We have to come together, worldwide, and "think". We have a tool - the internet - to let us do that. Let's use it wisely.

There is hope in forgiveness

A liberty to that only which is good, just, and honest.

They'd been standing like that for thirty seconds of forever.

There is no such thing in man's nature as a settled and full resolve either for good or evil, except at the very moment of execution.

Now I call myself a bleeding heart libertarian. Because I do believe in the principles of Libertarianism as an ideal - because I'm an idealist.

The Palestinians are not willing to do anything, they're not willing to make the strategic decision to dismantle the infrastructure of terrorist organizations.