It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.

We can only be our best by giving, and so we always need to be in the process of giving or preparing to give.

I want the people of America to be able to work less for the government, and more for themselves

Messenger of sympathy and love, Servant of parted friends, Consoler of the lonely, Bond of the scattered family, Enlarger of the common life.

There is no doubt in my mind who is number one - I have always been number one.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

trust your heart but use your head

I have hope that humanity will be cured of our collective ecological insanity and that we adapt to living within the boundaries of the laws of ecology.

Only those who find life, find treasures.

You best go about your way and have a nice day