It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

One of the highest emotions is that of Gratitude… Wherever you are, offer the expression of your awareness of your blessings and how grateful you are for them.

A boy has other people do the talking for him

The inner imaginary universe of the human primate is the battlefield of the ages

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

Cause I was stayin home when they was having fun. So please don't be surprised when they announce that I won.

It seems to me so shocking to see the precious hours of a man's life - the priceless moments that will never come back to him again - being wasted in a mere brutish sleep.

I'm not a Republican, nor a Democrat, nor an American, and got sense enough to know it.

The joy of life is variety; the tenderest love requires to be rekindled by intervals of absence.

There is nothing you can do to assuage your conscience when you commit sins. Crime is a spiritual assault on the soul.

A sage steers by the bright light of confusion and doubt.