It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

And if you can't trust an ancient talking tree, what was the point of having one?

Nationalism is form of collective narcissism, where the citizens possess an inflated self-love of "their own people, " to the exclusion of other human beings.

Life is meant to be remarkable. . let go and let it be!

You can't live in history. You've got to build for the future.

Maybe I don't see enough television, but it seems there aren't many shows that are romantic comedies that are an hour long where you're not solving a crime or being a doctor.

I do like Peyton Manning. I mean, you can't lose with a guy like that - especially with the amount of touchdowns he's been able to produce.

I have things that are strident and confrontational, and I have a lot of things that are childlike and innocent and sort of sweet. So, somewhere in between lies the middle of me.

no one ever got radicalized by being grateful

So many cartoonists draw the same year after year. When they find a style, they stick with it. They don't mess with innovation, and they become boring.

In a very real sense, people who have read good literature have lived more than people who cannot or will not read.