It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

When we fail, our pride supports us, and when we succeed it betrays us.

Children make theories when they are confused or anxious.

Failure isn't an option. I've erased the word fear from my vocabulary and I think when you erase fear you can't fail.

Beginning to dismantle the Pentagon would save $1 trillion a year - a small government proposal if ever there was one.

The golden rule of writing is to write what you care about. If you care about your topic, you'll do your best writing, and then you stand the best chance of really touching a reader in some way.

Less is more. Happiness is found close to the necessities of life, not in needless complexity and meaningless multiplicity of choice.

I think you should have a mindset of getting to the playoffs, because once you get in the playoffs, it is kind of a crapshoot.

Look at an avalanche, and see that we are at our most powerful when we let go. Look at a flower, and see that we are at our most beautiful when we open up.

Take short views, hope for the best and trust in God.

I paint and I sculpt and I enjoy doing things that aren't for the public. There's no pressure to it, it's just something that's a cleansing of the mind.