It's not who wants to sleep with you; It's who wants to sleep with you again.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

I would just like to say that after all these years of heavy drinking, bright lights and late nights, I still don't need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle.

If you subtracted all of the great artists who never drank, who never went to excess, you wouldn't have any more art left. What kind of poem are you gonna get out of a glass of iced tea?

The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!

When I die, sprinkle my ashes over the 80's.

I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults.

Remember, life is just a game and no one gets out alive

If you want to split a bottle with a friend, then Sammy Hagar is your guy. If you want to split your friend with a bottle than give me a call.

If you put a Van Halen album in your record collection, it will melt all the rest of your records.

Nervousness always provokes mistakes, and mistakes lead to easy convictions.

Be kind to the hawk and harm the sparrow.

Apart from Jesus Christ, we do not know what is our life, nor our death, nor God, nor ourselves.

How much of love lies buried in dusty graves!

I've never fancied myself as a pole dancer.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Philosophers are adults who persist in asking childish questions.

I like reading, writing, hiking, camping, free running, surfing, rock climbing, long boarding, and so much more.

It is impossible to need excuses when the focus of your life shifts from 'What's in it for me?' to 'How can I serve?'

Weirdness is not my game. I'm just a square boy from Wisconsin.