It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

If you watch what you think about, you won't have to watch what you talk about.

Only God can thwart the plans of Satan and his legions.

They have no imagination. A tail is just a tail to them, just a little something extra in the back.

I hit your thigh!”“Oh, please. A man doesn’t need that long to recover from a knee to the thigh.

What no wife of a writer can ever understand...is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.

Sing sweet, but put a little dirt in it.

In all my stories and novels, no one ever escapes Louisiana. Maybe that is because my soul never left Louisiana, although my body did go to California.

As a Christian, I am responsible for the furniture of my mind.

I love California. It definitely represents wild freedom.

It's always weird to shoot when you're really basically not wearing anything.