It's okay for a man to commit adultery if his wife is ugly.

Late night television is ready for someone like me... standards have gone to an all-time low.

I will never vote Democrat again, they are Communists.

Most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not?

I am completely pissed off that I'm circumcised.

Talent is what drives this world ... Doesn’t matter how many satellites you f---ing stick in the air.

I think I could create a cult, no problem. The hard part is getting people to kill themselves.

I'm down with just the Backstreet Boys.

When you hire me, you hire a nut who is going to work 24 hours a day for you and never, ever burn his audience.

I've always been about honesty, whether on the radio, whether I did a movie, whether I wrote a book. As long as you're honest, you don't lose your edge.

You've got to be a little vicious. You've got to be narcissistic. You've got to be on fire about your career.

Keep the first date brief, short, sweet and simple and they'll come back to you.

Computer science has as much to do with computers as astronomy has to do with telescopes.

If your job is to leaven ordinary lives with elevating spectacle, be elevating or be gone.

I'm sitting on the stile. Mary, Where we sat side by side.

Sentiment is intellectualized emotion; emotion precipitated, as it were, in pretty crystals by the fancy.

However, I do firmly believe in maintaining the integrity of the animal.

Before I had children I always wondered whether their births would be, for me, like the ultimate in gym class failures. And I discovered instead... that I'd finally found my sport.

Find your star and throw it up to heaven. You still have it, don't you?

The Smithsonian Institute is one of the most popular agencies of government in the United States.

I get a lot of flack from critics that my comedies are all over the place, my dramas are all over the place, they're schizophrenic - as if I don't know that!