It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

i WILL reach success because i will not accept anything less

The geologic cycle is a bunch of balarky.

Because I'm a monster, like my father before me and his father before him, and so on. There is no help for me.

Where there's possibility there is also hope.

I just hope that you miss me a little when I'm gone.

The most important job you'll ever have is in the walls of your own home.

The whole cultural diversity and musical diversity, I think they almost go hand in hand, you know? It's like a mind space or a it's having an open mind to what else is out there.

The one common experience of all humanity is the challenge of problems.

I feel a little whirl of dislocation -- the trademark sensation of the world being more closely knit together than you expected

Ive heard of nothing coming from nothing, but Ive never heard of absolutely nothing coming from hard work.