It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

As believers, we all have the responsibility to leverage our wealth for kingdom purposes.

For what you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing: it also depends on what sort of person you are.

You're staring, " Lana said."Yes. I am. I'm a teenage boy. Beautiful girls in wet underwear have a tendency to cause staring in teenage boys.

When somebody gives you a sexy look, you know they're trying. It's terrible! But when you smile, it's so much sexier!

I often find that having an idea in my head prevents me from doing something else. Working is therefore a way of getting rid of an idea.

Listening to advice often accomplishes far more than heeding it.

The Christian... imagines the better future of the human species... in the image of heavenly joy... We, on the other hand, will have this heaven on earth.

Be dispensers of God's grace, not controllers. Don't be the Holy Spirit's customs agents.

Everything that has happened to me has been amazing and surprising.

As you experience love and relationships, you start to realize that love tends to end in a very painful goodbye.