It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

Control is an advertising concept.

It is the mind that maketh good of ill that maketh wretch or happy rich or poor.

There are worse things you can do to the people you love than kill them. The regular way is just to watch the world do it. Just read the newspaper.

All writing is a form of manipulation, of course, but you realize that a plain sentence can actually do so much.

That to me is the way any good romantic would look at his life: Live it first, then write it down before you go.

I live where I would like to live. I live in Majorca, Spain, and I am not sure there are better places.

When people come up to me and say 'I hate you' or 'I love to hate you,' it's not the usual response that I thought I would've gotten halfway into my career. And then they say, 'I love your work.'

I also think that Germany helped me with my aggressiveness.

When I was younger, I didn't even realize the way I think visually is different.