It's the Government's job to print the money, deliver the mail and declare war. Now give me my cigarettes.

A home without a grandmother is like an egg without salt.

If you ever meet someone who cannot understand why solitary confinement is considered punishment, you have met a misanthrope.

I simply like guns because you can't shoot people without them.

I wasn't used to children and they were getting on my nerves. Worse, it appeared that I was a child, too. I hadn't known that before; I thought I was just short.

Writers who have nothing to say always strain for metaphors to say it in.

If we define a misanthrope as 'someone who does not suffer fools and likes to see fools suffer,' we have described a person with something to look forward to.

The more immoral we become in big ways, the more puritanical we become in little ways.

God may have loved the common people, but a trip to any shopping mall suggests that He made far too many of them.

Golf is an exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer able to throw telephone poles at each other.

Democracy is the fig leaf of elitism.

Oh, man, she's gonna love you, ' Max said. 'Physically. A lot.

Somewhere on the Earth tonight, my Tylla, there is a Man with a Lever, which, when he pulls it, Will Save The World. The man is now unemployed. His switch gathers dust. He himself plays pinochle.

In thirty-five years of medicine I have never seen one case where abortion was necessary to save a mother's life.

There's nothing more dangerous than a place that doesn't exist.

Typical" Kisten said, his eyes dramatically sad. "Try to do something nice for a person, cheer her up, and what do I get? Abused and robbed.

The CIA will only hire people with impeccable credentials to be a translator. 'Impeccable credentials' means you've never lived outside the United States.

What does it say about us that people who are considered defective are instinctively caring and compassionate?

Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, Can we talk? Never got a dinner!

I like to let my racket do the talking.

My job is essentially just corralling more and more and more facts and information, and occasionally seeing whether that leads to some action.