It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Life becomes easy if you whole heartedly expect it to be easy.

A little thinking is a dangerous thing.

People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams.

Don't talk to us like we ignint!

Faith gives the assurance that our lives and our history have a moral design.

A constant FRIEND is a thing rare and hard to find.

The original reality show.

Literature is the one place in any society where, within the secrecy of our own heads, we can hear voices talking about everything in every possible way.

I tend to be slim and you know, I actually can lose weight quicker than I can gain it.

As a viewer, I love watching movies. There has to be an emotional connection.