It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

When you share my heart. You share my love.

Originals cost more than imitations.

The grace of God transforms the sinner into saint.

In 1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year. It was my second season in the bigs.

I'm a businessman and actor and I still make appearances.

Many heroes lived before Agamemnon; but all are unknown and unwept, extinguished in everlasting night, because they have no spirited chronicler.

There is but one fountain of comfort for a man drawing near to his end, and that is the Bible. ...All comfort from any other source is a house built upon sand.

Each found her greatest safety in silence.

If this validates anything, it's that learning how to bunt and hit-and-run and turning two is more important than knowing where to find the little red light on the dugout camera.

We believe in the inherent goodness of man.