It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Moving on sometimes is the best way to take all the bricks that life throws at you, and building a castle to chillax

The world's continual breathing is what we hear and call silence.

Maps codify the miracle of existence.

Be sure that you give the poor the aid they most need, though it be your example which leaves them far behind. If you give money, spend yourself with it, and do not merely abandon it to them.

None so deaf as those that will not hear. None so blind as those that will not see.

What you need is an idea.

I'm very fond of drugs.

There are very few things that are purely conceptual without any hard content.

I always call Billy Elliot a fantasy autobiography because I never wanted to be a dancer, but I got a lot of stick from the other kids about wanting to be a writer and being interested in drama.

Mathematics is a more powerful instrument of knowledge than any other that has been bequeathed to us by human agency.