It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

The topics which language limits us to aren’t much worth discussing in the first place.(attrib: F.L. Vanderson)

Dilute your arrogance with a smile.

Logic may be conceived as ruling out what is absolutely impossible, and thus determining the field of what in the absence of empirical knowledge is abstractly possible.

Love is the first feeling we felt since birth and the last thing will need in Death.

The biggest surprise in a man's life is old age.

It's a very difficult age when the forces of time want to destroy us and take us away. They're just snatching people like devils; death comes and grabs each of us.

A large family party is rather too much like a flight of tomtits; everlasting twitter, but no conversation; gregariousness without companionship.

You may never reach a solution, but you're never absolved from the responsibility of trying.

Certainly there are spots which inevitably attach to themselves an atmosphere of holiness and goodness; it might not then be too fanciful to say that some houses are born bad.

Whenever in doubt, turn off your mind, relax, float downstream.