It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Life isn't memorable enough to remember everything. It's not like there are explosions all the time, or dog smoking cigarettes.

Some things are worth the wait. A little suspense heightens the pleasure.

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck and he cast into the sea.

The sacrifices made by veterans and their willingness to fight in defense of our nation merit our deep respect and praise - and to the best in benefits and medical care.

And the smile that is worth the praises of earth is the smile that shines through tears.

Treat every Frenchman as if he was the devil himself.

I read a lot of scripts that I just don't find very funny.

The Western sexual revolution sucks. It has not worked well enough for women.

Online, you have things like Slate Magazine, which has a lot of commentary and analysis of stories, so it gives you a fuller picture. I would compare that to a news magazine or the New Republic.

I feel sublime Then I lose ground Tripping on words That have no sound of love