It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Adverse situations used advantageously can offer solutions to problems.

You go to school everyday. Folks who think they've learned everything they need to know are usually dumber than chickens.

A good king is a public servant.

Ideas are a dime a dozen, but people who put them into effect are extremely rare. Be the minority and make it happen!

I had to learn to dance for 'The Adjustment Bureau' and it was nearly impossible. I turned up with my knees knocking in my leotard and went home and cried my eyes out.

You can only do so many serious dramas in a row before you want to break. You want a change.

As to the media, they are protected by the First Amendment, as they should be.

When you are angry, it means you, yourself are unhappy. Even if you are wronged, you are still making yourself unhappy if you feel anger.

The wheels in my brain are turning and I assure you a lot is brewing up in my head!