It's very rare that an older comedian sort of slips into an old-school clunker. You know, you don't hear too much of that anymore.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

Even the smallest amount of light can push back the shadows.

I have two rules:First, I'm never wrong.Second, if I'm wrong...back to the first rule."L Lawliet

Sweet is true love that is given in vain, and sweet is death that takes away pain.

I have a special place in my heart for working moms - it's a constant pull on your heartstrings.

Fine friendship requires duration rather than fitful intensity.

Ambient music must be as ignorable as it is interesting.

It might be tough, but my dad used to say, tough times don't last — tough people do.

Houses are like people - some you like and some you don't like - and once in a while there is one you love.

Any fool can steer a ship, sir. Its just knowing where to take it.