It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

History most grandiose accomplishments can have the most trivial origin

Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.

The symptom of love is when some of the chemicals inside you go bad. So there must be something in love because your chemicals do tell you something.

As long as I am running this Government I will run the Government as I see fit... as I believe in, based on my philosophy.

The little done doth vanish to the mind which forward sees how much remains to do.

Ninety percent of all prisoners in all jails get out some day. So why not give them a little levity in what's otherwise a very dark life?

I always wear the same thing onstage.

Pay attention to the things that agitate you. It will tell you a lot about yourself.

It is a gift. You cannot earn it, or it ceases to be a gift.

Women's hearts are like old china, none the worse for a break or two.