It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Your smile can becomes a quote for a change

The French know the intrinsic value of holding on to the past, its pleasures, its promises, and its tender mercies.

Mystery creates wonder and wonder is the basis of man's desire to understand.

There is not a physicist in the world who can perceive when a parlor magician palms off playing-cards.

I am the epitome of a walking contradiction for various reasons, only one of which being that I feel my existence is of heaven and hell.

Nothing interferes with my concentration. You could put on an orgy in my office and I wouldn't look up. Well, maybe once.

The only way to form an army to be confided in, was a systematic discipline, by which means all men may be made heroes.

... the strictness of to-day may have at any moment to be purchased by the laxity of to-morrow.

All the things an artist must be: poet, explorer of nature, philosopher!

I'm very competitive by nature. And I like to be the underdog - It's the best way to win. To come from behind and win is a great feeling!