It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

We can’t control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we respond to things we can’t control.

thnkz 4 hlpng e wth e spllng d gwammer mestr josef

I could survive for months, years, on a crush.

A cat is a cat. She has no race creed or collar.

married was the loneliest I got - being without the one you're with.

As people seek to improve their living environment, there will be continuous demand for residential property. Investment in real estate market should have reasonable prospects in the long run.

You make alterations, affecting your pose, a new house, a new car, a new job, a new nose.

Any affair, by its very nature, is quite dysfunctional.

The Green Party is no longer the alternative, the Green Party is the imperative

Music gets recorded usually in one format, and when you have to take it out and perform it there are other applications and things like that that are better for the live performance.