It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy.

When the need to succeed is as bad as the need to breathe, then you’ll be successful.

Anarchism is democracy taken seriously.

Athos was delighted to find he was going to fight an Englishman. We might say that was his dream.

For as long as I care to remember, religion, like the striptease, has always been a display of the power of suggestion. Like the Virgin Birth, it has all too often supported an immaculate deception.

It's an hour during the week where you can just slow down.

Is this my best team ever? I won't know that for another 20 years or so.

More people are aware of the consequences of hatred. People are aware. Therefore more people are engaged in fighting ... racism and so forth.

I will not fall in love with you," she said. "I can't let myself. I won't." "That's all right. I'll love you enough for the both of us.

Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.

I feel my greatest work is yet to come.