It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

I don't think we get a choice in who we fall for, " Ian whispers. "I think we just do.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

Words never fade away but echo on for eternity. Let your echo ring sweet.

I'll be fine. It's just hard to love somebody who doesn't love you back, " Fallon answered.

But golf being an international game and everybody loving the game the way they do, if you want to spread the game of golf, it's good that you have great competition.

Even if I tried to be my dad, it would be a mediocre, slightly embarrassing version.

You have to pick the stories that you want to be involved with and the end game is you'd like to be a part of a hit. But I think your moral obligation is to follow your own heart.

But I've worked where they've had animals before, and animal wranglers, the people who raise animals and train animals for films and television, they're all very, very professional.

In a civil war… every side is wrong. It’s hopeless to try to untangle it. Everyone is a victim.

Prefer what intuition whispers in your ear to what you have done and redone ten times in your head.