It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I am fascinated by the dailies, what is daily.

There's nothing on my mind that couldn't be expressed by a long insane outburst of hysterical rage.

If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else.

You need somebody you respect and admire to back you always.

Once in a while, you will see someone really drippy. The person has to stare at the teacher all the time with that devoted and disgusting and sick look. It's boring, misplaced devotionalism.

Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.

With that, he looked over his shoulder. Blay's breath shot out of his lungs. "Oh... my God," he whispered.

Of all things I liked books best.

Prefer diligence before idleness, unless you esteem rust above brightness.

We often leave the most precious personal direction of the Spirit unheard because we do not record and respond to the first promptings that come to us when the Lord chooses to direct us.