It was Einstein who made the real trouble. He announced in 1905 that there was no such thing as absolute rest. After that there never was.

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

The landlady of a boarding-house is a parallelogram - that is, an oblong angular figure, which cannot be described, but which is equal to anything

Now, the essence, the very spirit of Christmas is that we first make believe a thing is so, and lo, it presently turns out to be so.

It may be those who do most, dream most.

I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.

A half truth, like half a brick, is always more forcible as an argument than a whole one. It carries better.

Advertising: the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

There are two things in ordinary conversation which ordinary people dislike - information and wit

I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.

It takes a good deal of physical courage to ride a horse. This, however, I have. I get it at about forty cents a flask, and take it as required.

Everyone wants a piece of you. The trick is what piece to give.

The need is what is necessary.

It is so easy to believe in pleasant impossibilities.

Stick around. I’m full of bad ideas.

Hockey would be a great game... if played in the mud.

How many of our daydreams would darken into nightmares if there seemed any danger of their coming true!

Nefertiti, the most beautiful calico in the world, chose me as her own six short years ago.

Until I was about 14, I was a fat boy, or at least I looked like a fat boy. I think that being funny was a bit of a defence mechanism for me, so I ended up being a bit of a joker.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.