It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

It's always a risk. Wherever there is great emotion. because there is power in that. And few people handle power well.

It is as if the ordinary language we use every day has a hidden set of signals a kind of secret code.

I don't think there's any artist of any value who doesn't doubt what they're doing.

It's fair to say average Americans think that the average Afghan doesn't want American troops in their country.

It can kind of screw up things if you're trying to overwork something.

Within crisis, are the seeds of opportunity.

The United States is a country where everybody can start again.

You never want to concede a place, but when you're leading the race or fighting for a podium position you can find ways to make your car very wide!

I've always said the theatre is my church. It's where I feel God the most. It's where I know there's a God.

A schoolmaster should have an atmosphere of awe, and walk wonderingly, as if he was amazed at being himself.