It was a woman who drove me to drink. Come to think of it, I never did hang around to thank her for that. 'Hey lady! Do I look all blurry to you? 'Cause you look blurry to me!'

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do: kick over the table.

When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine, that's amore.

If this is just the beginning, my life's gonna be beautiful.

I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the floor.

I don't drink anymore... I freeze it and eat it like a popsicle.

If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show business. Hard work, perseverance, and discipline: all the things you need...when you have no talent.

Somewhere there's a someone for me. Though I may be lonely now, I'll see it through somehow, to somebody's heart I know I hold the key.

The world is the same you never change it, as sure as the stars shine above. Well, you're nobody til somebody loves you, so find yourself somebody to love.

I wouldn't want to live if I did not have my work. In any case, it's good that I'm already old and personally don't have to count on a prolonged future.

I liked the drama of getting stoned.

My friend, why should you wish to shorten my life by taking from me my shadow? (To photographer Dr. Valentine T. McGillycuddy.)

Yet, our achievements also mask many continuing failings and seem to expose more future dangers.

I think I'm less the writer than I'm the written.

A twin knows exactly when the other one is spitting up, but that’s all they know about anything.

The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.

It is the people who can do nothing who find nothing to do, and the secret to happiness in this world is not only to be useful, but to be forever elevating one's uses.

Tact is after all a kind of mind reading.

They should have focused more on me.