It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, "My lady garden is going viral." In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.

Even the ugliest person's cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel's lower intestine.' I'd put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it.

Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn't mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively.

Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he'd eaten a necklace.

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

We're better than Galileo. Because he's dead.

It's okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.

Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.

Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.

When Learning to "LOVE YOURSELF", you attract two types of energies: Lovers & Haters. Lovers should take you higher, haters should inspire. Both should give you fire to illuminate your environment.

Everything you need comes into focus when you abandon the unneeded.

A problem is an answer waiting to be opened

Well, a sort of epiphany: I was in a great band. And it's very cool to be at 53 and realise that when you were a kid you were in a great band.

When my dad was in Vietnam, we lost a parent for a year. Thank God we didn't lose a parent for good.

Too dear I prized a fair enchanting face: beauty unchaste is beauty in disgrace.

I am reclaiming myself. Trusting my goodness and my divine mission.

Our advantages fly away without aid. Pluck the flower. [Lat., Nostra sine auxilio fugiunt bona. Carpite florem.]

Son, are you happy? I don't mean to pry, but do you dream of Heaven? Have you ever wanted to die?

He who wins people, prospers; he who loses them, fails. Your present plan should be to seek humans of high aims and farseeing views, and you can establish yourself firmly.