It was one of the most disgusting spectacles I've ever seen-- this white-haired old man, who should have been thinking of the hereafter, standing there lying like an actor.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

If you like to be immortal, live for others and die for others.

My kids are pretty secure, bright, and know who they are.

I've protected my protracted period of infancy. For many years. And I have no desire to become an adult.

Don't be shy. Go for it and ask your crush out.

The real competition is against the little voice inside you that wants to quit

So, instead of spending my strength quarreling with the hand, I would strike for the heart of that great tyranny.

Back in the day, a pair of tight jeans was enough to earn a girl a bad reputation. Now slutty has gone Main Street.

The president has borrowed more money to spend to less effect than anybody on the planet.

I use the film industry as a pleasure for work and that kind of thing and it's not a pursuit to make me feel happy in my life.

Through all of youth I was looking for you without knowing what I was looking for