It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

If you hire people just because they can do a job, they’ll work for your money. But if you hire people who believe what you believe, they’ll work for you with blood and sweat and tears.

You may not able to hear the song of your heart but the universe can.

If you are gonna wear it, you need to own it.

Advice is a form of Nostalgia

As long as our brain is a mystery, the universe, the reflection of the structure of the brain will also be a mystery.

The body is given out on loan - don't waste it and expect to use it tomorrow.

I wanted to make a film about stupid people that was very vulgar and deeply stupid. From that moment on I can hardly be reproached for making a film that is about stupid people.

I'll do anything for kids but I don't sign anything for grownups anymore.

What is life, but one long risk?

With all my ideas and follies I could one day found a corporate company for the propagation of beautiful but unreliable imaginings.