It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

It is good to be taught humility when we are young. If we do not exeperience pain as children, we will cause pain as adults.

True humility isn’t thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking of yourself exactly the way God thinks of you

The fact that women are the primary care-givers is a problem for women and men

Most times we only see things for the way we are. But we're good at lying to ourselves. Sometimes we need somebody who's not living in our skin to point out how things really are.

AWWW ON THE MAIL. The mail man delivers, once again!

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

A good role comes along, and a good role is a good role.

Nothing can be so perfect while we possess it as it will seem when remembered.

It was part of your religion to hate the British.

The only reason I work out is so I can eat more cheese.