Its nice if people can finally loosen up a little bit and just go out laugh at silliness. I mean, people take themselves way too seriously sometimes.

Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling

Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.

I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.

I ALWAYS HAVE DONE WELL HOWEVER IN BLUE STATES AND RED STATES. IVE NEVER REALLY ALIGNED MYSELF WITH ALL THAT RED STATE BLUE STATE DR. SUESS CRAP BECAUSE WERE ALL AMERICANS AND WE ALL LIKE TO LAUGH.

The wheel of life has many spokes yet so few people ever leave the hub.

The human has not one but two births – first, when a person is born from the mother’s womb, and second, when that person rises from the socio-culturally imposed cocoon of prejudices and ignorance.

Christ, because of who He is, can look death in the face.

We would not let ourselves be burned to death for our opinions: we are not sure enough of them for that.

Ask me. I'm a cow expert.

My childhood was absolutely the worst place I've ever been," "It was terrible.

Time is the life of the soul.

It is to be remedied that the false traitors will suffer no man to come into the king's presence for no cause without bribes where none ought to be had.

A light bulb creates an environment by its mere presence.

Fashion offers no greater challenge than finding what works for night without looking like you are wearing a costume.