Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

It is suicide to be abroad. But what it is to be at home, ... what it is to be at home? A lingering dissolution.

Sometimes we want to believe something so badly that we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of.

Better off dead than giving in

Virtue is excellence, something uncommonly great and beautiful, which rises far above what is vulgar and ordinary.

When you do well, everybody's after you, and sometimes the motives are legitimate, and sometimes it's envy and jealousy.

You can't tell an audience to like a character. And I think the best way to get the audience on someone's side is to embarrass them.

It's not easy staying relevant in the marketplace.

Dare to err and to dream. Deep meaning often lies in childish plays.

The tongue talkes at the heads cost.

What you see often depends on what you are looking for.