Jeff Ross has a new show on Comedy Central where he roasts the news. It'll be perfect for people who find Jon Stewart too handsome and funny.

God is, to me, pretty much a myth created over time to deny the idea that we're all responsible for our own actions.

How people interpret my degrees of sexiness is out of my hands.

There are two kinds of people in this world: Michael Jackson fans and losers.

The chili I ate made for an explosive bathroom experience. I don't know how to put this delicately, but I missed the toilet entirely.

There's no greater way to gain an audience's sympathy than by being unfortunate.

It doesn't matter what you're saying if you come from an honest place.

After working for 18 years, all of a sudden I became successful on a level where other people knew it. It's not a cat you can put back in the bag.

I was never famous as a kid. That's the biggest difference between me and any other kid actor is that I wasn't famous as a kid.

There's never a surefire good career move except doing good work.

This planet has rejuvenated itself over and over again. Its species are just witnesses. [Earth] is going to reclaim itself once it tires of us. And all that will be left are the bones.

The theories we find untrue, are those we cannot accept.

Neutrality as a lasting principle is an evidence of weakness.

New York waiters, probably the surliest in the Western world . . . are better images of their city than that journalistic favorite the taxi driver.

That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity

The poet sees things as they look. Is this having a faculty the less? or a sense the more?

If you're playing someone who's got marital problems, you have to play someone who's trying not to have marital problems. So, you've got to get into the problem first.

When one reads these strange pages of one long gone one feels that one is at one with one who once.

Things there are no solution to: Inflation, bureaucracy & dandruff.

Beauty is almost no longer possible if it is not a lie.

I don't think a married couple can go through life without laughs together any more than they can without tears.