Jerry Seinfeld, he was doing Letterman show all the time, so he kind of had an excuse, that people know the jokes already. He didn't have time to do stand-up. A guy like me, I have no excuses.

No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone... you answer it.

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

What did the 5 fingers say to the face. S L A P!

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

Cause my life is dope, and I do dope sh*t

I support anyone's right to be who they want to be. My question is: to what extent do I have to participate in your self-image?

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

Chivalry is dead. Women killed it.

Forest is forest.

When life gives you lemons, sell them and buy a pineapple. How to better your life 101.

The drinking man is never less himself than during his sober intervals.

I used to be in love with Sandra Bullock when I was growing up. Sandy B. was my girl. I remember seeing Speed when I was in seventh grade and just thinking, 'That's her.'

There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it has never yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.

To force myself to earn more money, I determined to spend more.

Mobs may assemble, calumny may defame, but the work of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and independent.

I gravitate towards gravitas.

The sight, sound or even smell of a first love seems to burrow deep into the brain.

Our brain needs comfort. When you irritate it, you cannot think.