Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Creativity is part of human nature. It can only be untaught.

All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're desperate characters.

Once you realize that the way you exist right now is not enough, that there is something more, your spiritual process has already begun.

The psychological origins of love are in attachment to parents and sexual partners. We do not attach to ourselves; we do not seek security and fulfillment in ourselves.

Massachusetts women as a rule adhere too strongly to old-time conventions.

Well, I have my own article on where the heck is global warming?...The fact is that we can't account for the lack of warming at the moment and it is a travesty that we can't.

As a rule, there is no surer way to the dislike of men than to behave well where they have behaved badly.

I need to do SOMETHING to make ME feel better about ME.

The biggest (and hardest) lesson I've learned in life is that the external world is just a reflection of the world within.

Good luck lies in odd numbers.