Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Before you find the magic of life you have to open yourself up to the possibility of it being there.

Hope with deep driving desires is an order of the most delicious delicacy in a restaurant we call the universe.

A prudent ruler is distinguished by his ability to manage.

Use video to train assistants you'll be surprised how quickly they learn.

Israel is very much endangering.

My first plan of escape having failed, I now determined upon another.

Scientists are scientists. They're not really in a position to speak clearly on the moral dimensions, and they're not really comfortable doing that.

We didn't used to be so precious about women in comedy back in the old days.

Stanley Kramer? Spencer Tracy? No one turns down being in a movie with them.

Happiness is not the belief that we don't need to change; it's the realization that we can.