Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

Once upon a timeI fell in loveLost myselfAnd find another one.

Our vision is often more abstracted by what we think we know than by our lack of knowledge.

When someone becomes successful or rich and famous, people perceive that person as being different. But I'm the same guy I've always been.

You can't hold me to the same standard as the president or a school teacher. I'm just a comedian. My job is like Archie Bunker.

Generally speaking, the errors in religion are dangerous; those in philosophy only ridiculous.

When a lost loved one appears before you, it's your brain that fights it, not your heart.

I tell you the sign of a believer; When Death comes, there is a smile on his lips

I turn all thorn then, but you come back again and make my thorniness fragrant and pink and petaled.

There is no rule of law until the Mafia needs lawyers.

I was angry with my friend: I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe: I told it not, my wrath did grow.