Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

You have to notice the truth in order to be able to avoid it.

It turns out to be the new Planet, which, a decade and a half later, will be known first as the Georgian, and then as Herschel, after its official Discoverer, and more lately as Uranus.

They say the eyes are the apertures to the soul. If that is so, I feared Locusta's soul was far darker than even Nero's.

Hope is the foundation for which all successful goals are built upon.

Disappointment forever lurked just beyond the edges of her joy, ready to spring like a ravenous cougar.

There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1.

I may buy the Alamo and give it back to Mexico.

Wrinkles and ill-nature together made a woman hideous.

A genius! For 37 years I've practised fourteen hours a day, and now they call me a genius!

Look out! He's got a daisy!