Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

...that once were urgent and necessary for an orderly world and now were buried away, gathering dust and of no use to anyone.

Government isn't about religion or signs or symbols… It's about power and control.

Some people know of no other way to interface with others except through their created chaos.

There are far more statues of soldiers out there than there are of civilians.

The heaviest burden that one has to bear in this life is the burden of delaying too long before putting the fruit in the Jell-O so it's too firm and the chunks just sit on top.

Keep clear of courts: a homely life transcends The vaunted bliss of monarchs and their friends.

All excellence involves discipline and tenacity of purpose.

He prefers not to ruin things with any more questions. What it is is what it is.

A learned person among ignorant people, is like a live person among the dead.

One of the marvels of the world: The sight of a soul sitting in prison with the key in its hand.