Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Religion doesn’t mean obeying some textual rules from books that were written hundreds or thousands of years ago. Religion means realization of the self.

It's not okay to lie about people and particularly not okay to hurl the worst imaginable names at people just because you think you might not like their politics.

A man will blithely do in politics what he would kick a man downstairs for in ordinary life.

I've never written an autobiographical novel in my life. I've never touched upon my life. I've never written a single scene that I can say took place.

If you don't mind being unhappy, what happens to the unhappiness?

It's just that I am too old now to chase all the woman involved; which just seems a shame.

The Honorable Elijah Muhammad teaches us to get away from the devil as soon and as fast as we can.

That's the game of baseball - amazing things happen.

Remember that the military used wind-up radios for years.

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