Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Once to every man and nation comes the moment to decide. ... And the choice goes by forever t'wixt that darkness and that light.

Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.

There is the love and marriage and family kind of happiness, which is exceedingly boring to describe but nonetheless is important to have and dreadful not to have.

Al Gore clearly has the vision... it's a much better vision than that of George W. Bush.

Standup is more me talking the entire time. There's definitely an exchange of energy because that room, that audience, is giving back.

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances.

This is unbearable how I talk.

If someone puts his trust in God in a matter, let him not argue with his brother about it.

There is this difference between the grief of youth and that of old age; youth's burden is lightened by as much of it as another shares; old age may give and give, but the sorrow remains the same.

We are a puny and fickle folk. Avarice, hesitation, and following are our diseases.