Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Life is not only for consumption but for contribution.

The Universe is like a loving parent who wants us to have everything we need. Claim your power and be prosperous.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

It takes a heap o' livin' in a house t' make it home

I'm not going to relate to an athlete as a peer.

Sometimes I find myself sitting in one spot for hours, staring at nothing, thinking of nothing, feeling nothing, and most disturbingly, caring about nothing.

Sometimes there are no gigs, but the main thing is the music. You can't take that away. The only person who can take that away from you is you.

I came to Moscow when I was 5 years old from Baku. To walk all night in Moscow will bring back my youth to me.

There is as much vanity in self-scourgings as in self-justification.

Every experiment destroys some of the knowledge of the system which was obtained by previous experiments.