Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

And for me, it means honoring those who've loved me and sacrificed for me by choosing to be the kind of warrior who delivers justice even when it threatens to hurt me.

Love someone deeply and unconditionally to find the magical power of love.

That's the crazy thing about lies. You start to fall for them, yourself.

I am not yet ready to be Tsar. I know nothing of the business of ruling.

I've been very fortunate in my collaborators throughout my career.

When passion is dead, or absent, then the magnificent throb of beauty is incomprehensible and even a little despicable.

We cannot anticipate the moral circumstances under which we will live. And therefore [I refuse] to say that I will not live in a moral circumstance that requires violence.

I start writing, pull whatever images happen to occur to me and make up a story, instead of starting with details that are real and I know of and going from there.

I love New York, but I'd felt like an outsider here.

Success lies in a masterful consistency around a few fundamentals. It really is simple. Not easy. But simple.