Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years.

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron.

There are hundreds of intelligent and big brains in every country in the world to run that country successfully but somehow and often either an immoral stupid or a charlatan imbecile comes to power!

I like to think I'm a pretty good-natured guy and pretty civil and probably not ever truly guilty in any serious way of any legal infractions.

It doesn't do you any service to demonize any group of people. It's much better to try and understand from the inside.

I wouldn't call my work Modernist. I would rust if I try to think about labels. I'd feel like the Tin Man in 'The Wizard of Oz.

You can pay Uncle Sam with all your overtime, is that all you get for your money?

That's why so many stars are making pictures in Europe today. The tax guys are making thieves out of everybody.

Every form of life is sacred. It is not possible to have an activity that is not sacred...Coming to see everything as sacred and honouring everything is spiritual development.

All politics takes place on a slippery slope. The most important four words in politics are up to a point.

If we don't discipline ourselves, God will make certain we are disciplined by others.

The romantic treatment of death asserts that people were made singular, made more interesting, by their illnesses.