John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Funny... I still can't believe in God." "Does that matter now?"..."He believes in you.

If you are setting a goal without understanding the reason for it, then maybe you should reevaluate the goal in general.

You left me." Not realizing until I've said my final good-bye and closed the door behind me, that he's not referring to the past. He's prophesying our future.

As a listener, I like a wide range of sounds.

I am a gift of joy that God gives to a wonderful world.

It's not our art, but our heart that's on display.

I think the audience is truly all ages: I don't put anything in there that kids can't see, or shouldn't see, but I have to keep it interesting for me as an adult

Angels are visible to those who accept the light and break the pact made with darkness.

The decisions that you make each day can actually catapult you to that next level of achievement.

When writing screenplays, it's a matter of remembering to leave off the page anything and everything that doesn't appear on the screen.