John McCain responded to critics who say he's too old for a sixth term by saying that his mother is 103 years old and doing well. The crazy thing is that even she is somehow younger than John McCain.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

Come, my Way, my Truth, my Life: Such a Way as gives us breath: Such a Truth as ends all strife: Such a Life as killeth death.

Even an obvious fabrication is some comfort when you have few others.

My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart-a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation.

I tell you this to break your heart, by which I mean only that it break open and never close again to the rest of the world.

My father's a protector. My father's old-school. He's a cowboy.

The real destroyer of the liberties of the people is he who spreads among them bounties, donations and benefits.

I desire not to keep my place in this government an hour longer than I may preserve England in its just rights, and may protect the people of God in such a just liberty of their consciences.

Me, personally, I'm just happy. I have a great mother. I have two great sisters. I couldn't ask for more. I'm healthy. I do what I love.

To survive, you must tell stories.