Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

I have a headache. If only I had a crown to put on!

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.

It's just a matter of willpower. The day you decide it's over, it's over. You never get over it.

Expect the best, Prepare for the worst.

The soundest argument will produce no more conviction in an empty head than the most superficial declamation; as a feather and a guinea fall with equal velocity in a vacuum.

Think thoughts that make you feel good, make choices that make you feel good, and take actions that make you feel good.

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

I can conquer the world with one hand, as long as you are holding the other.

Anybody can get bigheaded once they know the seat cannot be pulled out from under them.

I would date a fan, I dont have a problem with that. I look for a good sense of humour in a girlfriend.