Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why.

We're not in an information age anymore. We're in the information management age.

Nerds get caught up in minutiae, because there is a tremendous and fulfilling sense of control in understanding every single detail of a thing more than any other living creature.

Bowling is all physics and energy distribution. It's F = ma. So it is actually one of the most science-y sports, because it literally is just a ball and a surface and objects to knock down.

When you hang around a lot of comedians long enough, you realize there's a certain gene, in every comedian. It's why we get hyper-analytical about things.

I do seem like the kind of guy who'd be obsessive about Rubik's Cubes.

No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who's on a never-ending quest for improvement.

Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.

I almost think of nerd brains as rattlesnake venom; like, you can milk it. You can milk the pulpy venom out of the nerd brain and use it for good if you want to.

Humans cannot produce viable offspring with our closest animal cousin: the chimpanzee. We cannot impregnate a chimp. So you know what that means? No condoms.

I've gone from being bullied by jocks as a kid to being bullied by nerds as an adult.

Give your children big truths they will grow into rather than light explanations they will grow out of.

Nobody wants great things for you. They all want you to be something they deem important for them.

We are the children of one creator. We are different in some ways. Yet, we are equal.

The bad thing about small-town life is that everybody knows your business...I suppose that is my central obsession. What we owe to society, what we owe to ourselves.

Too much information will make your brain choke.

Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.

In order to be true to one's conscience and true to God, a righteous man has no alternative but to refuse to cooperate with an evil system.

People who succeed in life have a need for something greater than themselves.

Major League Baseball is the best league in the world, full of capable hitters up and down every single lineup.

I'm not sure that some of the food purists are in touch with what really goes on in American households.